One Liners

[Sue]

One Liners for all occasions

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Dad?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

[Annsheree]

OMG ROTF Love this one sue >> I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

Heres a few more for ya....
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

hmmm ok i got bored hope admin dont wave his stick at me hehe...
Some off Bumper Stickers....
Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home!
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
"Jesus Loves You Everyone Else Thinks You're an A**hole"
"Beer - Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 1862"
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
"Grow your own dope, plant a man."
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Ann

[Sue]

Oh dear me, shouldnt make me laugh so early in the morning Ann, nearly spilled my coffee.


Very funny Ann /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Spyone1 (Greg)]

A couple more bumper stickers, including my all time favourite.....

Drive as close as you like...Mother-in-law in boot.
If you think this car is dirty, spend a night with the driver.
The earth sucks, but at least it includes a free trip around the sun every year.
If you can read this, you are parked in my back seat.
Honk if you're horny, stop me if you are REALLY horny.
I have PMS and ESP. That makes me a bitch who knows everything.

[Symo]

My favourite bumper sticker is. Unless you're a haemorroid, get off my arse.

[Sue]

I actually saw that one today Symo hehehe

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
A woman's favourite position is CEO.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

[Annsheree]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif Sue everytime i read your one about the Vibrator i giggle so hard..girl you crack me up i love it! and i still love the one i put up..who lit the fuse on your tampon? OMG /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

Couple more for ya but i think we are running outta the funny ones lol.
>>Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
>>My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her!
>>I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
>>Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there
>>If you get any closer I'll fart!
>>God must love stupid people...He made SO many!
>>I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.

my favourite saying i use in the chat rooms when people are annoying me is>>>> "Do the world a favour...pull your bottom lip over your forehead and SWALLOW! /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Keep up the good work sue and greg, believe it or not but the giggles you guys give me mean alot to me /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/kissing.gif

Ann

[Buttonpusher]

Bumper sticker off my last two wheelchairs [the new one is nylon and won't stick]

MEAN PEOPLE SUCK
NICE PEOPLE SWALLOW
/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/Golden116.gif

[Sue]

Hope you got that wheelchair all revved up girl, I can see a big stick heading your way. And hey it hurts, beleive me.

Oh Tanya you are choking me again /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Buttonpusher]

Hey you should have heard some of the comments I got and my local RSL wanted to take it off and they got told it was religious cause people who are mean say what they want and people who are nice swallow bad comments IT WORKED /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/headscratch.gif

[Sue]

Well done......true too..

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cheers.gif

[Sue]

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security
call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around
the campus at night and felt uneasy about somebody following you,
for instance, you could hit the button and have a security
officer investigate immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."
/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wavey.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wavey.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wavey.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wavey.gif

[Sue]

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you fool...

But my wife out in the car still does!"

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/10tantrum.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/10tantrum.gif

[Sue]

Doug: "I'm a man of few words."

Bill: "Yeah, I'm married, too."


/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grumpy.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grumpy.gif

[Garden Gnome.]

I didn't know it had a bumper. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/auto.gif

[Saniqua45]

who is general failure and whats he doing inside my pc /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/nut.gif

[Sue]

hehehe

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Admin1]

This one has been circulating the internet since the 1950's

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I [not me -- wish I knew who --- ROFL] have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph gave refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns. . .Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a feminine moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Illiad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter, Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their capooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the war, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Marth Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clu Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1855, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

[Buttonpusher]

So much for the education system /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shrug.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif