PG-Funnies T2

[Lady Bump]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to
the officer.

The officer snaps opens the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks
quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Woman: I bet he told you I was speeding, too.
:auto:

[Sleuth]

I hope you don't mind but i am going to have to use this the next time i get ambushed by a member from the other team. usually i'm heaps under the limit but occassionally the other team say i'm not.:!!!!yello

[Sue]

A father came home and found his three children were outside,


Still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to
the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of
clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was pilled
on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was
spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and
a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been
smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here
today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know, every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[Loopy]

:8Funny_po I like that one Sue.......... reminds me of my x hubby.........

[Loopy]

The First Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions over came them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*&$#@d! You've been playing golf!".

[Sue]

Marriage off to a fine start......


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the
altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going
to take all day, is it?"

[Loopy]

The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

[Lady Bump]

GOD saw you hungry & created McDonalds,

He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice and Water.
GOD saw you in the dark & created Light.
GOD saw you without a Good looking, Adorable, FRIEND.........
So

He created ME!!

[Loopy]

Julie


I like that one:3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3:

[Lady Bump]

:w7: Im one for telling the truth:16wink:

[Loopy]

The Third Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!":16wink:

[Loopy]

The Fourth Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[Loopy]

The Fifth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied. "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

The Sixth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

[Sue]

THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don't forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that,.Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree............
Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees..... are you ready for this, shocking!! ........

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

[Lady Bump]

A couple decide to go out for a meal on their anniversary and, after some

deliberation, decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the

menu and finally agree to share the chef's special - chicken surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as

the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny

amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before

the

lid slams back down. "Hey, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again

the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around before it

firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over,

explains

what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"

"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise"

Wait for It....................................

"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter, "I've brought you

the Peeking Duck"

[Timetoplay]

Very stupid, but funny!:thumb: :14hah: :14hah: :14hah: :14hah: :14hah: :14hah:

[Lady Bump]

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he

had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he

wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a

little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and

decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a

drink.



So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to

Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his

new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and

then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink

with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.



So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up

against the centipede's house and shouting, ''Hey, in there! Would

you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"










WAIT!
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!



A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!

I'm putting my :cuss: shoes on ."

[Timetoplay]

Dumb Mirror!
2 dumb guys came across a mirror 1 day.
guy 1 looked in da mirror and said "I know that face but i cant quite put a name on it"
guy 2 grabbed da mirror and said "U idiot thats me!"

[Timetoplay]

Police Story:
Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

[Timetoplay]

Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa

Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[Dragon Lady]

I think my printer is broken and my mouse is stuck

http://209.245.59.32/Gimme/65730207/19795094/65874095/48645B3D-D634-4C42-9BAF-B2249496EE26/0.0931145/2/My_Mouse_is_stuck.jpg

[Timetoplay]

Poor little mouse :bawling: :bawling: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3:

[Lady Bump]

This guy should have been promoted, not fired. :w7:

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support
employee (now I know why they record these conversations).

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the
words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything
I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know?"

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so"

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

"Yes it is. "

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not
just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach it."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have
is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power.... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now. "Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up
just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too @#!*@!!! stupid to own a computer."
:cheers:

[Sue]

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

[Lady Bump]

The Cough

The owner of a pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall with distressed look on his face.
The owner asks the assistant "What's with that guy over there by
the wall?"

The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a
bottle of laxatives!"

The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him - he's too
scared to cough!"
:cheers:

[Lady Bump]

:w7: :w7:

[Sue]

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.


"No, no, no!" said the man. "You don't understand, I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[Sue]

Tender Venison

A guy was driving down through the South and, being hungry, he
stopped at a roadside diner. Entering, he saw a sign advertising the
special "Fresh Venison."

The guy orders the Special, and after completing the meal, he sees
the cook standing behind the counter and says, "My complements to the
chef, that was probably the tenderest venison I have ever eaten"

The cook looks at him with a smile and replies, "Yep, an 18 wheeler
will do that won't it?"

[Forest Dweller]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into

a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was
quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the Staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the
surgery was completed the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[Loopy]

HMmmmmmmmmmm:w7:

[Loopy]

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.

"£85 for an extraction, Sir" was the reply.

"Och, huv yer no got nothin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, Sir," said the dentist.

"What about if yer didna use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for £70," said the dentist.

"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of yer dental trainees and still without anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.

"Well, it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say £40," said the dentist.

"Och, that's still a bit much. How about if yer make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin?" said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Hmmmmm, well, O.K., it'll be good for the students, I suppose. I'd charge you only £5 in that case," said the dentist.

"Och, now yer talkin', laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife for next Tuesday?"

:w7:

[Lady Bump]

ITS ALL ABOUT BEING PREPARED.

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited
about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass

a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for

Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

:cheers:

[Loopy]

Ladies in Heaven

Two women in heaven, recent arrivals, were comparing stories on how they
had died.

First woman said, "I froze to death."

Second woman, "You froze to death - how horrible!"
First woman, "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?"
Second woman, "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

First woman, "So what happened?"
Second woman, "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched and went down to the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally became so exhausted that I Just keeled over with a heart
attack and died."

First woman, "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be
alive." :w7:

[Dragon Lady]

Wat a Retired Man has to say about Life

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but your are just too tired to bounce it'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age and caling it "Pumping Rust".

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, its for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency?' I think you should write, "A good doctor".

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they jsut put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are thaking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whold lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

[Lady Bump]

A blonde woman took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every

time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while there is this

terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own."




This quite intrigued the mechanic so hesaid, "OK, let's go for a spin

and see what the problem is."



Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong

direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the

street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings,

ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic

duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now;

there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"


"Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it!"

[Lady Bump]

And who said women aren't vindictive


Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found
the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn
that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I
look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she
replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A
few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you
going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion
where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course
I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the
wedding!"

[Dragon Lady]

OLD IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

OLD IS WHEN....
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and your barefoot

OLD IS WHEN....
A sexy babe catches you fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

OLD IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

OLD IS WHEN....
You don't car where your spouse goes, just a long as you don't have to go too.

OLD IS WHEN....
When your are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

OLD IS WHEN....
"Getting a little action" means I don't need any fiber today.

OLD IS WHEN....
"Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot

OLD IS WHEN....
An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee

[Lady Bump]

Clap

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter; ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

[Lady Bump]

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER


You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.> >
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

[Lady Bump]

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm
positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,
but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning. "I don't believe you,"
said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there
are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother
Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

[Lady Bump]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
think, from
listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from
Ireland might you
be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so
am I! And what street
did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was,
I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world,
so did I! And to what
school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St.
Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And
so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in
1964."
>
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up
in the same bar
tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St.
Mary's in 1964 my
own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar,
sits down, and orders
a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head
& mutters, "It's
going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins
are drunk again."

[Lady Bump]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."


Her boyfriend asks, "What’s it supposed to be when it's finished?"


The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."


Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He looks at the pieces, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,


"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he says with a deep sigh


"............We’ll put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Lady Bump]

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors
down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his
shoulder again and she hands him another handful of
peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why
they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon
she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to
chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the
chocolate around them.............

[Lady Bump]

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes
that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a

present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says

to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She

continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie

Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,

Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing

for $19.95, and Barbie Gets a Divorce for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Barbie Gets a Divorce $265.00 when all

the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious." The sales lady says. "Barbie Gets a Divorce

comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's

furniture."

[Lady Bump]

Three Aussies and three Kiwis are traveling by train to a cricket

match at The World Cup in England. At the station, the three Kiwis each
buy a ticket and watch as the three Aussies buy just one ticket between
them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
Asks one of the Kiwis.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Aussies.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all
three Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it
was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the
Aussies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with
money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip.
To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Kiwi.
"Watch and learn," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Kiwis cram into a toilet and
soon after the three Aussies cram into another One nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over

to The toilet where the Kiwis are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Lady Bump]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[Lady Bump]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping
with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."

[Sue]

A blond is sitting on a train reading the paper ,

when she comes to a heading that reads

12 BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED.

She shakes her head closes the paper and

says to the stranger next to her...



HOW MANY IS A BRAZILIAN?

[Sue]

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
SO What happened, Honey?, asked his blonde wife.
IT's a great new idea I have, he gasped. I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents.
That wasn't to smart, replied his wife.
Why didn't you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?

[Sue]

When I got home from work last night, my girl friend demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................


So I took her to a petrol station!!!!!!!

[Sue]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says,
"About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and
says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut,
but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing
hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

[Blanche]

:3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue:

[Lady Bump]

In The Beginning - Downunder

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day. On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day. On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day. On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day. On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day. On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day. On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling Barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.... well almost good. He saw that the blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest. So God created Sheila's - to clean the house, bear children, wash, and cook and clean the BBQ. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was Bl**dy Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!

[Bugs]

That's a good one :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: Julie

[Lady Bump]

Thought it summed us up pretty well actually:laughing:

[Lady Bump]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Lady Bump]

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and you would spend only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead".

"I just can't take that chance."

[Loopy]

Marriage Test

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, He married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

Did you know...?
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Lady Bump]

The graveside service
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who was alone at death.....with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country...and the young preacher got lost on the way.
When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
The workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place....but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.
Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty.... and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness.
As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker:
"I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen nothing like that before.
Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Sh*t'."

[Sue]

If it is true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers,
it is understandable why mothers cry at weddings.

[Lady Bump]

A Melbourne solicitor went duck hunting in rural Queensland. He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into an adjoining paddock. As he climbed over
the fence, an elderly farmer drove up in an old truck and asked him what he
was doing.
The solicitor responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this paddock and now
I am going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over
here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything
that you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we do things
in Queensland. We settle small disagreements like this with the Queensland
Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Queensland Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you 3 times and then you kick me 3
times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old bloke. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer climbed down from his truck and walked up to the city fellow.

His first kick planted the toe of his R.M.Williams into the lawyer's groin
and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose
off his face. The lawyer was flat on his stomach when the farmer's punishing
third kick to the kidney's nearly caused him to surrender.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to drag himself to his feet and said, "Okay, you old b******, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Blanche]

:3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: Queensland rules!!

[Lady Bump]

Believe it or not, you can read it.


I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
cmabrigde

Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the
rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?"

[Bugs]

That's incredible Julie
:lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue:

[Lady Bump]

Amazing/Interesting Things= 'I DIDN'T KNOW THAT'

"In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flinstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds -Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result
of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independenceon July 4th, John
Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession


Q. If you were to spell out
numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter
"A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because heir calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the
phrase "mind your "P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used thewhistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

[Lady Bump]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the

hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved

on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl

digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.



An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what

they were doing.



So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are

putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,

only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"



The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably

looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl

who plants the trees called in sick."

[Nannakaz]

Bobbitt Family Update


In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.



She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with .
.
A Misdewiener!

[Sue]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once on a trip to
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his
nose ring and threw it on the ground."
I yelled "Now back off that woman or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[Sue]

Maxine's Christmas Eve!


'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
since the cat ate the mouse.

My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)

My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.

And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"

I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.

A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.

Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...

http://d21c.com/terri/xmas/santadeer.gif
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.

Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--

"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!

Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!

But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,

So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.

http://d21c.com/terri1/xmas/santadeer.gif
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.

As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Tumbled and fell.

He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."

His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.

He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.

A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.

He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).

He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.

I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"

http://d21c.com/terri1/xmas/santasleigh.gif
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"

And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"

But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.

http://d21c.com/terri/xmas/gift.gif http://d21c.com/terri/xmas/gift.gif A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.

I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...

"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!" I answered,
("I'll get you next year!")

[Lady Bump]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the
computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He
replied, "It was an ID ten T error." I didn't want to appear stupid,
but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that . in case
I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I
wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold.
:MISSIN~18

[Lady Bump]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go
back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and p*e in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

[Lady Bump]

Ever So Clever


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Bugs]

TWO RIGHT FEET

I recently bought my husband two new pair of socks,but it wasn't ong before both pairs had holes in just one sock.When I suggested throwing out the ones with holes.My husband said! But the holes are both in the left socks! If I threw them out.I'd have two right socks left.I was speechless.
:lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue: :lmaoblue:

[Lady Bump]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do
you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him,
feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep,
he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years
earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We
can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only
way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I
become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us
how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232
blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
"The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the
door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks
give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is
another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of
ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind
that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until
the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.



But I can't tell you what it is.

You're not a monk.

[Bugs]

Very good one Julie :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3:

[Lady Bump]

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the
field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and
began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught
her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something
rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he
would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a
man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake
his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided
to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook
his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod
my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Lady Bump]

Over 60"s Alphabet
A for arthritis,
B for bad back,
C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
H high blood pressure [I'd rather have low)
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, that now fail to flex

L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K!
K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
(Please forgive me, my Memory ain't worth a cent)

N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
O is for osteo-and all bones that crack
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
W is worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray--and what might be found.

[Lady Bump]

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer
and his
wife open a package. What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered
- he
was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the
farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed the warning.
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr..
Mouse, I
can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to
me.
I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him,
"There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, "I
am so
very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be
assured you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow and said
"There
is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The
cow
sai "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my
nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to
face
the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like
the
sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see
what
was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose
tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer
rushed
her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows
you
treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet
to the
farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness
continued,
so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed
them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well;
she
died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow killed.The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with
great
sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and
think it
doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are
all at
risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an
eye
out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another

[Lady Bump]

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I
answered
it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". As it didn't sound
anything like my name, I asked who was calling.

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer
Company
or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and
why was he calling this number.

I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various
angles and the blood smears", I then turned back to the phone and
advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line
because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a
summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone
number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and
could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this
call!

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given
in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police
were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I
heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming
down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

Must remember this one for later use:laughing:

[Blanche]

I'll be trying it next time...nothing else has got rid of 'em:lmaoblue:

[Lady Bump]

Three old guys are out walking along Canal Way Drive.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

[Lady Bump]

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed."

The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"

[Lady Bump]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.



There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.



Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"



The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.



Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.



The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with he parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.


This went on for a day... and then 2 days .... and then 3 days ...


Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ...... "OK, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"

[Lady Bump]

Kids are quick:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother´s. Did you copy his ?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

[Nannakaz]

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
> >"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
> >
> >The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> >The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
> >Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
> >tomorrow.
> >
> >I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
> >His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
> >After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
> >"How many customers bought something from you today?
> >
> >The kid says, "One".
> >
> >The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
> >a day. How much was the sale for?"
> >
> >The kid says, "$101,237.65".
> >
> >The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
> >
> >The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
> >Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
> >Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
> >going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to
> >need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
> >engine
> >Chris Craft.
> >Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
> >him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
> >Expedition."
> >
> >The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
> > him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
> >
> >The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
> >and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.
>
>

[Lady Bump]

HOW TRUE IT IS


Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.

I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things that come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.

There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About "Living in the Past".

We used to go to friends homes,
Football games and lunches.
Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,
And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.

We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.

We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.

That, my friend is how life is,





And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too darn old!!

[Lady Bump]

HOW TRUE!


Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Law of the Bath Room: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

[Bugs]

So very true Julie

[Lady Bump]

You Think English is Easy???


Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.


2) The farm was used to produce produce

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse .


4) We must polish the Polish furniture.


5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.


7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present .


8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.


12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.


17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.


18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I she d a tear.


19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[Lady Bump]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and
throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

[Lady Bump]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
cheque.
"I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[Lady Bump]

Aging with a smile
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

[Lady Bump]

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[Lady Bump]

Is housework and chores keeping you away from the internet? Here are some sure fire short cuts that will have you back online in no time!
Simply close the lid of the toilet. Close the shower door or curtain. For the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath, pour some Lysol in the trash can. That should hold you until you finally get someone to empty the trash. And....then send the kids outside to the ol' wash tub.

Laundry ? Find a good place to hide it! Turn your clothes inside out and they will last another week. For odors......spray with cologne. If you absolutely need to do it, like you have no underwear (heck who needs underwear), wash them then stick them in the dryer. When it is time to fold them, DON'T! Just run the dryer to get out the wrinkles when you need new clothes.

Call up a salesman for a vacuuming demonstration. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house. Insist that even though the carpet looks the same, it really is different in all parts of the house. Some valuable tips for success: Don't always call same company, keep a chart and rotate. If there are any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit the cat. You may have to add some tuna water to spot in order to insure a thorough job. It's about time they earned their keep!

Wash the car ? NAH ! Move it into the garage. Heck, you don't use it anyway. It's not like anyone is going to see you drive it!

If it doesn't come off in the dishwasher, call grandpa to come help. He's always willing to do anything for you. For really stubborn crud, just throw the dish out and start fresh. An even better idea, use paper plates, plastic utensils, paper napkins, etc. Write everyone's name on the plate or cup so they can use it over n' over n' over.



Mowing problems solved! Raise goats for some extra income. Set them loose in the yard and they will keep the grass trimmed nice and neat. Plus they'll eat any of the debris that gets in the yard. Sell them in the winter, then you can start with a new bunch in the spring.

[Lady Bump]

I'm Only A Cat (http://www.pokiemagic.com/forums/)

I'm only a cat,
and I stay in my place...
Up there on your chair,
on your bed or your face!

I'm only a cat,
and I don't finick much...
I'm happy with cream
and anchovies and such!

I'm only a cat,
and we'll get along fine...
As long as you know
I'm not yours... you're all mine!

[Sue]

Oh how true that is .... :3rofl3:

[Lady Bump]

Thought of your fluff ball straight away:lmaoblue:

[Sue]

That is Jethro exactly except for the cream bit.. :3rofl3::3rofl3::3rofl3:

[Lady Bump]

Room #302

A woman called a local hospital . .
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about
patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as
expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room
number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . . "

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very
well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she
is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if She
continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday
at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic .. . . that's
wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family
member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t."

[Lady Bump]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring Yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion Among them.


First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once We settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be Mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, But I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says It for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a Year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care Of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, So I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big Talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with Only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son- of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem ... You know, it's actually been some time since I Really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his Horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real Quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Sh*t, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm A bull!!