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Kitkat

11-03-2007, 01:49 PM

Military Wisdom (from the US)

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your
unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

------------------------- ------------------------- ----------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

Kitkat

11-03-2007, 01:52 PM

Baby Boomer Blues

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby Boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

Kitkat

11-03-2007, 02:06 PM

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO
CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

Lady Bump

16-03-2007, 07:59 AM

Internetaholics Anonymous

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned
about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on
end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror
lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked
downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides
support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help
you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases,
interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured,"
you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do
you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll
receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation,
hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping
about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a
problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery
is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.
:cheers:

Moo

19-03-2007, 09:41 AM

Just came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 2kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks. Then 25kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

3. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Lady Bump

19-03-2007, 02:59 PM

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.

Kitkat

06-04-2007, 12:02 PM

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper! .

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a 1 year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be ! twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a
clean joke.

Moo

06-04-2007, 01:20 PM

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, He dialed the employers home phone number and was greeted with a Child''s whisper.

"Hello"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes" whispered the small voice

"May I talk with him?"

"No"

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes"

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?!", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching For?!!."

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle............

"ME".

Kitkat

06-04-2007, 01:37 PM

Kylie I've seen that one before and it makes me giggle each time I read it:3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3:

Lady Bump

07-04-2007, 08:28 AM

I'm the Boss
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he
Wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that
Read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had
Taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Lady Bump

12-04-2007, 06:26 AM

Internet Police
Offender : You!
Date: Today
Offense #ZD101FB608 : In Front Of The Computer TOO LONG!
Details of Offense :
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police,
have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the
computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans,
wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up
straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a
minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel
syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts
NOW! Get off your chair - you'll thank us for it later.

Lady Bump

15-04-2007, 12:01 PM

Time To Get A New Life

~ Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
~ You consider professional wrestling a sport.
~ You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
~ You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout.... you subscribe.
~ You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.
~ You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll.
~ The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend’s phone number are 1-900.
~ You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
~ You play the accordion

Lady Bump

16-04-2007, 08:01 AM

My grandson, Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three.

When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed.
Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what
happened today to upset you so?"

He answered, "It's not fair that I'm not allowed to go to the library."

His mother became very concerned and asked, "Why aren't you allowed to
go to the library?"

With a tearful reply he said, "Because, in order to go to the library
you have to have super-vision, and I wear glasses!"

Lady Bump

17-04-2007, 12:02 PM

Out of the mouth of babes...
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunch time.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as
far as they would go and announced; 'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yelled out, 'Run for your life, she's backing up!!'
:3rofl3:

Lady Bump

18-04-2007, 11:23 AM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

'OK' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

'So', she asks him, 'do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?'

Lady Bump

19-04-2007, 02:09 PM

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman: "I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen". The surprised salesman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have curtains..."

And the blonde said:

"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!"

Lady Bump

22-04-2007, 06:59 AM

After she had a minor accident, her mother accompanied her to the emergency room. When the triage nurse asked for her height and weight, she blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered this information, good ol' Mom leaned over and said, "Sweetheart, this is not the Internet."

Lady Bump

22-04-2007, 08:40 AM

Kids Kitchen Terms
BOIL:
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a
food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE:
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed
together.

DESSERT:
The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE:
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table
or wash dishes.

FRUIT:
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert

REFRIGERATOR:
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being
used as an art gallery.

SODA POP:
Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE LEG:
Percussion instrument.

Treeza

22-04-2007, 01:54 PM

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box
said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't

fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days -- instructions said 1 hour per pound

and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on
the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

Lady Bump

23-04-2007, 12:10 PM

59 and Pregnant

A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was
seen by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in
the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant. She burst out, screaming
as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the
problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and relaxed her in another
room.

The doctor marched down the hallway to
where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the
matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has
four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you
told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard
and without looking up said, "Does she still have the
hiccups?"

Bugs

23-04-2007, 12:25 PM

Works everytime:3rofl3: :3rofl3: :3rofl3:

Lady Bump

26-04-2007, 07:00 PM

(Next time you get a letter to pay your debts be sure to remember Sipho's letter.)

LETTER TO TRUWORTHS

Dear Sir/Madam
I acknowledge receipt of your letter dated 7 January 2007 in which for the third time, you request that I pay the monies owed to you. I first want you to know that by no means do I dispute my debt and I intend to reimburse you as soon as possible.

However, I bring to your attention that I have many more creditors,quite as honourable as you, and whom I wish to reimburse too. That is why, each month, I throw all the names of my creditors into a hat and draw one randomly whom I hasten to refund immediately.

I hope that yours will come out shortly.

Sincerely Yours,
Sipho

PS: I have great regret in informing you that given the unceremonious tone of your last letter, you will not be taking part in the next three draws , YOU'RE SUSPENDED

Lady Bump

27-04-2007, 10:22 AM

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"

The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced,
"For our closing song, let us sing hymn #365,
"Shall We Gather At The River."

Lady Bump

29-04-2007, 07:14 AM

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat
in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.........

Lady Bump

09-05-2007, 07:16 PM

Linda B, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby
Supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
Rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she
Was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head,
And had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked
And Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that souned like a
Gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
She felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
Quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant

Dutchy

11-05-2007, 02:26 PM

I was reading the paper the other day,and in the headline it read
that this man had a very bad accident. He woke up after a few days with the doctor standing next to his bed.
The doctor said that he had some good news and some bad news,
which one would you like to hear first, the bad news or the good news?.
The man asked for the bad news first.
The doctor told him because of the accident that he had to remove both legs. But the good news is the person in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.

Sue

12-05-2007, 01:07 PM

A guy gets shipwrecked.
When he wakes up, he's on a beach.

The sand is dark red. He can't believe it.

The sky is dark red.

He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees.

He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says. "I've been marooned!!"

Lady Bump

12-05-2007, 03:23 PM

:3rofl3: Good one Sue

Burned Out Gynecologist -

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the
Exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

Lady Bump

13-05-2007, 09:37 AM

Take The Time to Listen

"Hey, Mom, can I tell you something?" puffed five-year-old Terry, as he rushed around the store with his mother.
"No, Terry, I'm too busy," said his mother.
A little while later he tried again, "Hey, Mom…"
"Don't bother me. I'm trying to think," his mother interrupted.
Finally at home, Terry said, "Now can I tell you?"
"Oh, yes, what is it?" said his mother in exasperation.
"I wanted to tell you that your pants have a big rip in the back."
:huge:

Dutchy

13-05-2007, 10:46 PM

A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over. The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car. Then the blonde started laughing hysterically. The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!" She again ignores him. Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!

Dutchy

13-05-2007, 10:50 PM

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Dutchy

13-05-2007, 10:58 PM

Sven was out shopping in the mall when he met his friend Ole outside the Jewelry Store. Ole noticed that Sven had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

Vhat have you just purchased Sven?" Ole asks.

Vell, now that you've asked," replies Sven, "It's my Lena's birthday
tomorrow And vhen I asked her this morning vhat she vanted for her birthday, Lena said, “Oh, I dun know, dear, yust give me something with vots of diamonds.

"So vhat did you get her?" Ole asks.
Sven smirks and says, "I bought her a deck of cards."

Dutchy

14-05-2007, 10:00 AM

A man was recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

The man replies, "I'm alright, but I didn't like the FOUR-LETTER-WORD the doctor used in surgery."

The nurse asked, "What did he say"?

“OOPS!!!"

Sue

15-05-2007, 07:07 PM

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What
the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of
jalapenos. What you do today, might burn you tomorrow.

Dutchy

15-05-2007, 07:11 PM

Dutchy

25-05-2007, 12:25 PM

Hard of Hearing
Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful

Dutchy

25-05-2007, 12:26 PM

Pet Parrot
A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

Dutchy

25-05-2007, 12:29 PM

Grandma's Visit
"Oh, I sure am glad to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother's side). "Now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"He told Mommy that he'd climb the walls if you came to visit," answered the boy.

Lady Bump

26-05-2007, 03:01 PM

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service" Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?

Dutchy

29-05-2007, 10:56 PM

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.

When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

"They called back!"

Dutchy

29-05-2007, 11:00 PM

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "Well, the light was on."

Dutchy

29-05-2007, 11:13 PM

While I was visiting my sister one evening, I took out a candy dispenser that was shaped like a miniature person.

"How does that thing work?" she asked.

As I turned the figurine's arm to pop candy out, my sister laughed.

"I see.. it's a lot like my husband," she said. "You have to twist his arm to get anything out of him too!"

Dutchy

30-05-2007, 01:08 PM

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."
Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."
Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying, "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

Treeza

05-06-2007, 10:21 PM

Born 1930-1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts, or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers!, no Internet or chat rooms........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones, and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Lady Bump

06-06-2007, 07:28 AM

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m116/LadyBumpy/cartoon.gif

Dutchy

06-06-2007, 09:37 AM

http://www.cleanfunny.com/Hilarious-Funny-Laugh.php/tweety-dear-lord-bed.html
just cool

Dutchy

06-06-2007, 12:51 PM

clean the cat box
http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/audio/clean_the_catbox.htm
turn up sound

Dutchy

06-06-2007, 10:29 PM

funny pictures
http://www.womensfunnyvideos.com/pictures/MovingPictures.htm

Lady Bump

07-06-2007, 01:15 PM

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines, and reeled in their catch.
A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.
“Oh yes” he said. “They ‘re my friends.”“
"In that case,” warned the officer, “you’d better get them out of here!”“
"Yes, sir” the man replied, and he began rowing furiously

Bugs

07-06-2007, 01:30 PM

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing anddecides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can alsothink.<FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2><SPAN style="COLOR: black; mso-color-alt: windowtext">

Dutchy

07-06-2007, 02:18 PM

love that one Lester

Michael@ton

16-06-2007, 08:09 AM

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing anddecides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can alsothink.<FONT face=Arial color=#000000 size=2><SPAN style="COLOR: black; mso-color-alt: windowtext">

You have it spot on with the MORAL, Les; definitely a 10/10 for that effort. :8Funny_po :hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray: :8Funny_po

Lady Bump

18-06-2007, 12:00 PM

Squirrel Encounter
- author Daniel Meyer - writer & motorcyclist

I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close.

I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt!

I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular… as he shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.

Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser.

But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!

The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... Well . I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming blo*dy murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant nazi attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming blo*dy murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams. They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids

Lady Bump

29-06-2007, 06:20 AM

Why are there bugs in most computers?
They are attracted by the cookies and go in looking for a byte to eat

Lady Bump

06-07-2007, 07:40 AM

The Army

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and
the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake
hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

Lady Bump

06-07-2007, 03:52 PM

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
Going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
Mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
Salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it
Feels like when I'm driving."

Dianne W Qld

06-07-2007, 07:16 PM

Pay that one...very funny

Lady Bump

12-07-2007, 06:12 PM

Two patients limp into two
different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking
and appear to require a hip replacement.The FIRST patient is examined within
the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the
following week.The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for
an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray,
which is not reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled
for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.Next time
take me to a vet.

Lady Bump

26-07-2007, 08:21 AM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote
mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW
advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes,
RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a
NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get
an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the
image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a
MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email
on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
X
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows...this is a
herd of sheep. . . .
Now give me back my dog.

Lady Bump

02-08-2007, 06:22 AM

For CHOCOLATE Lovers!

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

And if calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the refrigerator. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump down out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices, and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, that's a balanced diet!

Money talks. Chocolate sings!

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one convenient package. Isn't that handy?

The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit!

Lady Bump

16-08-2007, 08:21 AM

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced
That they were going to try something different to help everyone get
To
Know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She
Explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your
Father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was
Here
Today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the
Teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a
Banker.
B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new
Penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
He
Was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very
Good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father
Is
An accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." Before he could attempt to
Spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back
Down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to
Spell it, he could stand back up and try again. Little Johnny raised
His
Hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The
Teacher
Called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said, "My father is a
Bookie.
B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds
Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant. "

Lady Bump

17-08-2007, 05:25 PM

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth.
Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.
While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head.
He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo."
The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.
The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears.
"She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.
By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son.
I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.
She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears

Lady Bump

29-08-2007, 05:45 AM

Make A Noise Like A Frog

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his
grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and
bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the
room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa
"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that, as soon as you
croak, we're going to Disney World!"

Lady Bump

31-08-2007, 07:15 AM

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and,
motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Lady Bump

03-09-2007, 10:55 AM

LIFE-SAVING PROPERTIES OF SEWAGE

(1) - A woman hanging out laundry on the sixth-floor roof of a building in Nanjing, China, fell off but was only slightly injured when she happened to land in a shallow pool of the contents of the building's septic system, which workers were cleaning. (2) - A fiery auto crash in Augusta, Georgia, had killed the driver and would likely kill the passenger, too, if the fire were not immediately smothered. Firefighters were still minutes away, but passing by was a pump truck from a local plumbing company, whose quick-thinking driver extinguished the flames with 1,500 gallons of raw sewage from a septic tank-cleaning job he had just finished
:laughing:

Dianne W Qld

09-09-2007, 01:02 PM

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a single word to each other.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither one wanted to concede their position.
As they drove past a paddock full of cows goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in laws"

Lady Bump

12-09-2007, 09:38 AM

Paddy is in bed late at night and as usual the neighbours’ dog is barking so loud it is keeping him and his wife awake. After an hour or so he jumps out of bed and says, "I'm going to fix that blo*dy animal once and for all," and off he goes.
After a few minutes Paddy's wife hears the front door close and he comes up the stairs and back to bed. Five minutes later the dog is barking as loud as ever.
"I thought you had sorted it out," said his wife.
"To be sure I did, I brought it into our garden. Lets see how they like it."

Lady Bump

29-09-2007, 11:03 AM

Texan goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,"Oh, we have wheat fields twice as big as that ."
Then they walk through the farm and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says "Wow, we have longhorns that are at least twice the size as your cows."
The conversation continued with the Texan vowing that everything in Texas is twice the size.
The Aussie is getting upset when some Kangaroos come hopping through the field.
"What are those ?"asked the Texan.
The Aussie replied with a smile on his face. "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas."

Lady Bump

12-10-2007, 10:21 AM

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone.
At the end of her long sales pitch she asked "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all" my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

Koolicks

13-10-2007, 08:20 AM

On a recent TransPacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing
Is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well,
if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
lane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue
eyes. He starts to walk Slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
...........one button at a time.

No one moves.

Everyone is transfixed.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps......

He whispers.....

Here ya go luv - iron this and then get me a beer....

Sue

15-10-2007, 07:26 PM

Divorce

Half of all marriages end in divorce which is not as bad as it sounds.
The other half ended in death.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Divorce

These days, parents pray the youngest child will get married and
move out before the oldest one gets divorced and moves back in.

Lady Bump

17-10-2007, 10:57 AM

Little Davie watched fascinated as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
"Why do you do that mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful" said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

Lady Bump

17-10-2007, 11:27 AM

A clergymanwalking down a country lane saw a young farmers truggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look tiredmy son" said the cleric. "Why don't you rest amomentand I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks" said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly" the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little the clergyman said "Your fathermust be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well" replied the young farmer" you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

Lady Bump

15-11-2007, 08:47 PM

"Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot: At sporting events, during the playing of the Anthem Old Geezers remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.

Old Geezers remember the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War 1950-55, The Cold War, Vietnam, the jet age and the moon landing the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005,

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children. Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.

It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

Michael@ton

17-11-2007, 10:42 AM

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
Movie? They went to see "Closed for Winter".

2). Why did the Blonde resolve to only have three children? She had heard
that one out of every four children were Chinese.

3). Did you hear about the near tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage and 12 blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over 4 hours.

4). A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really
bad hailstorm. Her car was covered in dents, so the next day she took
it to the repair shop. The shop owner seeing that she was a blonde
decided to have some fun with her.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into the tailpipe, nothing happened, so she blew a
bit harder and still nothing happened.
Her room-mate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you
doing?"
The first one told her that the mechanic had told her to follow his
instructions exactly and that would get all the dents out.
The room-mate rolled her eyes and said "Duh, like Hello! You need to
roll up the windows first."

Michael@ton

22-11-2007, 07:26 AM

1). A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said "They are golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally not being able to contain her curiosity any further, asked "Does it hurt as much as Tennis Elbow ??".

2). A blonde went to an eye Doctor to have her eyes checked to find out if she needed a set of glasses.

The Doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye whilst covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye Doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole in it to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look", said the Doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses".

"I know", agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Michael@ton

28-11-2007, 10:47 AM

What is black and white and read all over?

A newspaper, HEY HEY HEY , :D.

Kaye

28-11-2007, 10:48 AM

What is black and white and red all over.

A sunburnt Zebra.

Koolicks

28-11-2007, 11:23 AM

knock knock
Who's there?
B
B who?
Beee right there

Lady Bump

30-11-2007, 06:32 AM

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Lady Bump

11-12-2007, 11:35 AM

I luv This one :)
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Michael@ton

12-12-2007, 08:06 AM

The 23rd Psalm Explained:

I shall not want .........................That's Supply!
I will fear no evil ....................... That's Protection!
My cup runneth over .................. That's Abundance!
He restoreth my soul ................. That's Healing!
For His name sake ..................... That's Purpose!
Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow me all the days of my life ... That's Blessing!
He leadeth me beside still waters . That's Refreshment!
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort
me ........................................ That's Discipline!
The Lord is my Sheperd .............. That's Relationship!
And I will dwell in the house of the
Lord ....................................... That's Security!
Forever ................................... That's Eternity!

Michael@ton

14-12-2007, 03:59 AM

OBITUARY TO COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one seems to know for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will long be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm , life isn't always fair and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but could not inform the parent's when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the ten commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself against a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live when a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a Huge Settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone else is to Blame and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

ANON.

Michael@ton

16-12-2007, 07:28 AM

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF AN " NARCISSISTIC EGOMANIAC " ???

SOMEONE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE VERY IMPORTANT.

Lady Bump

19-12-2007, 10:20 AM

When four of Santa's elves fell ill, and the trainee elves did notproduce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit them.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a pint of cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the booze, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Michael@ton

29-12-2007, 05:20 AM

A FEW JOKES ABOUT "VAMPIRES".

1. "MUMMY, MUMMY, whats a Vampire?"

"Be quiet and drink your blood before it clots."

2. How would a Vampire manage with only one fang?

He'd just have to grin and bare it.

3. Why did the overweight Vampire cry?

He'd just realised his diet was in vein.

Michael@ton

29-12-2007, 06:24 AM

MAUDE & MABLE

Two old ladies are outside their Nursing Home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get that?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a "Camel".

The pharmacist fainted.

Lady Bump

13-01-2008, 06:25 PM

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through
the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin
he had ever seen in his life.
Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he asked.
"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.
"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.
"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.
"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.
"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the
kid.
"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never
together as a family?"
"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.
"This is the outhouse!"

Lady Bump

16-01-2008, 07:57 AM

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 350 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What in the world is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Sam explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

His companion exclaimed. "You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here."
:16wink:

Lady Bump

29-01-2008, 09:40 AM

86-year old lady's letter to bank
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client

Angela M

30-03-2008, 09:35 AM

When Grandma Goes To Court

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs.
Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate
people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a
very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

Sue

30-03-2008, 10:17 PM

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mum, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”

The mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”

Lady Bump

22-04-2008, 09:29 AM

Letter from a computer Widow

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications
thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on
at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He
drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were
good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like
you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart.
She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on
her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that
it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I
mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do.
I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are
away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and
the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy,
Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while
your disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife

Lady Bump

08-05-2008, 08:13 AM

TIPS TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK!

1. Open a new folder on your computer.

2. Name it "?????" { entry name of person that you are mad at, i.e: hubby, wife, politician, etc... }

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "?????"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better!

Patrick

31-05-2008, 06:43 AM

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil," however, is masculine "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling guys ... this gets better!!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.