PG - Funnies...

[Sue]

Married For A Night

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to
the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial
embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper
berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night, the man leans over, gently wakes the woman
and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was
wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better
idea. Just for tonight let's pretend that we're married."

The man happily says, "OK, AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD, get your own *#*% blanket!"

[Macoz]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif
/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/award.jpg

[Saniqua45]

just like a woman. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Sue]

Yep very clever of her hey.. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Sue]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on
and began searching for more valuables. Justas he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a birdMoses?"
”The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus."

[Saniqua45]

an oldie but still very funny sue. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

The Young Business Man On The Phone


A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"

[Sue]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hairaiser.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif

[Saniqua45]

Things kids say

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.

She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I know they're my feet."
-----------------------------------------------------
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I don't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

---------------------------------------------------
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
---------------------------------------------------
Moms dictionary

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to hold a new baby and want another.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't fully appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

[Sue]

A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a fishing pole but didn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a K-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.

" She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. Test line... It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00 with tax." She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and while she is bending down to get her purse, she accidentally f*rts.

At first she is embarrassed but then realized that there was no way, being blind, he could tell she was the only one at the counter.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00 ... the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish bait is $2.50, regularly $5.00,but I can tell the jar was opened...

And thank you for shopping K-Mart."

.

[Saniqua45]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

Pouring In


Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/Golden116.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/Golden116.gif

[Buttonpusher]

Oooooops wonder just how many bussiness men aren't getting any at the moment /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

me also tanya. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

My Business

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

[Spyone1 (Greg)]

LOL. Bravo, Peter.

IRS, for those slightly less in the know, is:
Internal Revenue Service

or the American Tax Man!!!
(Boo, hiss, boo....you may guess I dont like the tax man!!).

[Saniqua45]

Water In the Carburetor


Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

Wife: "In the pool."

[Buttonpusher]

Guess that would make her right /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Sue]

Three blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a genie pops out. The genie looks at the three blondes and says, "I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish."

Well, the first blonde is sick and tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF!! She disappears.

The second one said she, too, is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF!! She too disappears.

The genie then turns to the last blonde and asks her what her wish is.
"Gee," she says," I'm awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here ..."

[Saniqua45]

just like a blonde /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Admin1]

PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR...

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: "I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please." The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: "Argh!! You just shot my friend!!!" The Panda calmly replied: "Do you know what I am?" "Of Course I do," the barman answered, "you're a Panda!" "Good," the Panda replied, "now go home and look me up in the dictionary." And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition...

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

[Saniqua45]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/10eat.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shoota.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/16tin.gif

[Admin1]

Nice graemlins Peter /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/award.jpg /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/award.jpg /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/award.jpg

[Saniqua45]

i thought they would just fit in. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Admin1]

WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.

[Saniqua45]

after having a couple im kinda used to their reactions by now. ha ha ha

[Sue]

bout time you fellas figured it out hehehe

[Sue]

ok so this isnt funny and I dont even know the correct answer, but you might..

Using only whole numbers, and starting with the number 1, to what number would you have to count before finding a number with the letter "a" in the spelling?

[Admin1]

101?

[Sue]

I think it might be....that is strange there are no "A"s in our numbers...

[Buttonpusher]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a
gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems
encountered with the aircraft during the flight that
need repair or correction. The mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on
the lower half of the form what remedial action was
taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before
the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged
maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif

[Saniqua45]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

hi tanya /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif

[Sue]

They are classics Tanya...I have thought of those when I have boarded a plane... /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hairaiser.gif

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Buttonpusher]

I like that last one I can just picture a little fellow with a hammer sitting there going
Hup bang three four
Hup bang three four
Hup bang three four
Hup bang three four

[Sue]

I cant pick one I like better than the other, they are all funny.. Can you imagine the office reading that report the next day... /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif

[Saniqua45]

Beer Help


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[Saniqua45]

The millionare with alligators


Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[Saniqua45]

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my puter from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!

Amen

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/type.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badpc.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/type.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badpc.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/type.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/badpc.gif

[Sue]

I luv it Peter..I think I shall start saying that one when I lay me down to sleep.. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

This one from Mary...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z"

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

[Saniqua45]

good one sue,languages can be strange. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

Three Guys...


There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

12

[Sue]

....if it's in the Bible!



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says ....

"HEBREWS"

[Saniqua45]

that showed him i supose. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Sue]

How do you keep a blonde occupied?
(Scroll down)











































































(scroll up)

[Voodoo Nanny]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif very funnie sue /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

that one i like sue,i must show my mate as he has a blonde wife. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

Loss


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be OK??" "No," exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

[Sue]

Oh noooooooo... /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/16wink.gif

[Little Angel]

LOL!

[Little Angel]

True Story about what i did (and im a blonde) lol

I told my husband the dryer was busted because the temperature knob kept going back to 0. He went an inspected it and came back cracking up laughing.

It was the timer!!!!!

I had been setting the timer, thinking it was the temperature! /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/banghead.gif

[Sue]

Easy enough to do Angel... /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif I got the technician out some years ago cause my new washing machine wouldnt spin. It was on drip dry...and I am not blonde.... /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/16wink.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/16wink.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/16wink.gif

[Saniqua45]

First Child


A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

[Marg]

dumb man. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Little Angel]

Hehehe good one Peter /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Sue]

Has anybody heard about the magic tractor?


It turned into a field..... /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/5Thud.gif

[Saniqua45]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif

[Admin1]

GOD GRANTS ONE WISH

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Spyone1 (Greg)]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif
/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/lmaoblue.gif


The bridge to Hawaii is MUCH more simple!!

[Toplady555]

that is cute /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Little Angel]

lol Mr Admin /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cheers.gif

[Toplady555]

ok Sue this is not original it is in August Readers Digest /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackwhip.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackwhip.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crackwhip.gif

[Sue]

????

Sorry I dont read the Readers Digest...

[Saniqua45]

I Feel So Old:

"This is the biggest CD I've ever seen!" -- On first seeing a record

"You know those big CDs?" -- High school student describing a record.

[Marg]

some good ones there. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

Answer Iron


A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

[Saniqua45]

Who's Your Daddy?

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer "Where is my father?"
The computer bleeped for a short while and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
"No", replied the super computer immediately, "your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

[Saniqua45]

Perfect Golf Shot For The Wife


Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"

Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[GrandmaBarbie]

well peter that will keep em laughing in the ilse for a while how u doin tonight /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

im doing well bargie,just relaxing with some vodka,moonshine and what else i can lay my hands on.i am also trying to keep the board alive but i think its a no go situation. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cry.gif

[Little Angel]

I'm alive /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif

[Saniqua45]

very much so megan. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[GrandmaBarbie]

me too thats 2 of us i would answer sooner but im trying to beat megans score hehe /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[GrandmaBarbie]

it wasnt that funny /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

i thought it was as so is everyone else. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/!ban_dance01.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/!ban_dance01.gif

[GrandmaBarbie]

i dont know how she does it but i wish she would tell me i will have to bribe her /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

yea right as if she is gonna tell ya. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

it is so quiet here that i am going up to the karri for a while. pity ya cant make it. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cheers.gif

[GrandmaBarbie]

what time does it close /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hurray.gif

[Saniqua45]

about 2 i think why ya going. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/13bowdown.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/13bowdown.gif

[GrandmaBarbie]

wish i could we have a visitor but im going to make it one day i want to meet u and marg /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cheers.gif

[Saniqua45]

ok well ill catch ya later on and have a good night. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wave.gif

[GrandmaBarbie]

same to u have a good one /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hurray.gif

[Saniqua45]

well barbie just got back with a stomach full of booze money in our pockets and a smiles on our faces. you could say,a good night was had by all. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cheers.gif

[Saniqua45]

Follow my Footsteps


A physician was taking her 4-year-old daughter to preschool. The little girl picked up the stethoscope, which the doctor had left on the car seat, and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?

[Little Angel]

hehehe nice one Peter /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

Mmmm Maccas

[Kitkat]

Oh why does everyone pick on Maccas /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/10eat.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/10eat.gif

[Saniqua45]

Out of the mouths of kids

I'm being hayve!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother told him told to behave

"I'm not an oxymoron!" -- 7 year old

"TNT." -- Given as an answer for a written spelling bee, when the teacher called the word "dynamite."

"I had to read and write six book reports." -- Girl, in an email to her friend, attempting to explain what she had to do over the summer. She later tried sending a correction, which read, "I had to read and write six books."

"Oh, well Mom said all I had to use was the sponge and dish detergent." -- 12 year old daughter, when her father told her he used elbow grease to get the dishes clean

"Do they look after the Pokemon?" -- City kid, when asked what a gamekeeper does.

"Why don't you get some expensive money?" -- 3 year old daughter, when told by her mother that she could get a small toy but that the ones asked for were too expensive

"I have a rock in my nose." -- 2 year old son, greeting his mother after preschool, a full hour after recess was over.

"There's no one in there." -- 6 year old son, in response to seeing his father hanging pictures and tapping on the walls to find the support beams.

"Quiet!" -- 4 year old, when asked what begins with 'M' and sounds good.

"If I was a raccoon I would eat the farmer's corpse." -- A kindergartener, writing a story about what we would do if he were a raccoon

"Well, sometimes I say something mean to my brother, but I feel really good inside. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite?" -- 7 year old girl, after a Sunday School teacher explained that a hypocrite was someone who says one thing but feels something else.

"Daddy, did your hair slip?" -- 3 year old son, to his bald but long bearded father

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it's printed on the bottom." -- 3 year old son, when his mother asked how his father knew the genders of four new baby kittens

"How will that help?" -- Kindergarten student, when the class was instructed to hold up two fingers if any of them had to go to the bathroom

"They didn't see it -- it was all cut off!" -- 2 year old son, when his mother was asked how his grandparents liked his new haircut

"Tell me when you're asleep, ok?" -- 7 year old son, overheard talking to his 5 year old brother.

"I had a fraction in my neck and had to go to the hospital for a long time." -- Fifth grader, to his class.

"Well you're old, and you're not dead." -- "3 year old son, to his father. The comment followed an explanation of why the father's grandparents weren't around anymore.

"Are you kidding me?! They go together like balogna and cheese! No, wait. More like mayonnaise and bread." -- 9 year old girl, when asked if her brother and cousin hang out a lot.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal." -- A young son, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers

"Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet." -- 3 year old son, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet

"Mommy, you said it would be a shot; instead it was a needle!" -- Boy, overheard at the hospital

"How do you put make up on your mind?" -- Girl, when told she should make up her mind.

"I wish someone we knew would die so we could leave them flowers." -- 6 year old girl, upon seeing flowers in a cemetery.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email." -- 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord's Prayer

"Watch out, Daddy. Mommy's got her eye on you!" -- 4 year old girl, after hearing her mother telling her father that she'd take an I.O.U. for a promised restaurant dinner.

"Daddy doesn't like that man, does he?" -- Daughter of John Cleese and Connie Booth, during the filming of the Black Knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

[Saniqua45]

Never underestimate a woman

Just before he died, he said to his wife, " When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

... Never Underestimate The Intelligence Of A Woman

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

[Marg]

that little stripper program is also good for clearing up other text files. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/type.gif

[Saniqua45]

Mirror On the Walk


There were two blondes walking down the street one day and they came upon a compact. One of the blondes picked it up and opened it. She says, "Boy this picture sure does look familiar."

The other blonde takes it and opens it, and says, "you idiot that is a picture of me!"

[Little Angel]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Annsheree]

Wow i aint been in this bit for so long that i had quite alot of reading to do.
/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/hurray.gif Great jokes peter i certainly had a pile of giggles along the way /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2003-7/278161/windowsrestart.jpg

[Saniqua45]

Her First Fight


Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight."

"I know, I know," said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

[Saniqua45]

read this carefully.

http://www.wibbler.com/error_docs/not_found.html

[Saniqua45]

i just could not resit posting this.

Every Little Girls Dream

A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is four animals."

The teacher asked "really and what four animals would that be?" The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for it all".

She knows what she wants hey?

[Voodoo Nanny]

/webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif very wise little girl peter her mother is teaching her well /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Little Angel]

Thats girls for ya! /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Saniqua45]

that girl is gonna go far in her life. /webboard/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/3rofl3.gif

[Sue]

Learned From The Movies

Imagine you lived a remote life but had satellite television and were able to see movies all of the time. How misguided would your life be? Below are a few of the things that you would have learned.

1 .All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

2 If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while SCUBA diving

5. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

6. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

10. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

11. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

12. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

13. When they are alone, all non-native English speakers prefer to speak English to each other.

14. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

15. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.